Sunday, June 29, 2014

Six steps to Save your face in this Football Fever

I can understand your anxiety. I can understand your helplessness. Let me get straight to the point. These have been formulated based on extensive analysis and careful research, so blindly follow them without anxiety.

1. You've got to support a team

"How can I support a country I haven't been to, nor whose national anthem I know, and which I have seen only in Maps?" Bullshit.

This is not the time for your patriotism or nationalistic fervour.To sound like as football flows through your veins and blood, you've got to support a team. So choose one. Done?

Aiyoo, you're a madrasi or what? Don't support Brazil thinking its CSK, or Netherlands thinking its BJP. You'll get grilled by their history and quizzed about Selcao and Maracana. Always, choose a team who have no chance of winning, no tactics, no star players, and are in Brazil cos their queen sent them there.

England? Good choice. You've cleared point #1

2. Messi, Neymar and Ronaldo

Who the heck are you to care about Messi performing better for his club rather than his country of birth? How much time did you waste seeing all those videos and reading about them? I'm sorry, your time has totally been wasted.

The best way to avoid controversy is not get into any discussion of greatness abt Messi vs Ronaldo, just take the conversation to another level and make them feel like amateurs. Remember our idea is to get through this one month of epidemic, and not become a pundit. I will make it simple for you. Just memorize these five words.

Total Football, Johan Cryuff, Maradona, Hand of God, Pele, Black Pearl.

That is it, with these you've obtained a masters degree in Football. Randomly use those words in any discussion irrespective of the topic. Post a few comments on status messages, send group mails, but make sure those five words in regular conversations.

A Sample comment on a status message can be: Machan, how're you and your "hand of god" doing? Can you get me a "Black Pearl" necklace this time?

Or, confidently use a foreign language and put up a status message. Let Google Translators go bonkers, others will never ask you what it means for it will expose their ineptitude.

Say spanish: El Mundo Deportiva la Johan Cryuff la roja Ricky Martin song lo Un, dos, tres, Ave Maria Maradona Vamos Rafael Nadal Barcelona

100 Likes. 0 Comments. In 10 minutes

3. Mani Neymar Van James Messi Luis Ronaldo Inam

You just cannot get to the next level of Football Intelligentsia without this step. This will save you from having to paint your faces with sticky paints, waste money on expensive jerseys to desperately show your football knowledge. Choose your favourite name from all 32 teams and mix them by lots in between your first and last names. Change all your social contacts to this name right away. As and when a team goes out, drop that name, and revamp your loyalties.

And when the WC is over, you should reveal that your real name always was "Lionel Mani Messi Inam".

4. Set your alarms to 3.30

Now, this is a mistake all novices do. Staying up all night, forcing yourself to watch, and getting fucked up the next day in office. You've become a semi-pro already by clearing 3 steps, this will make you reach Pro status.

Change that alarm to 3.30. Now, you've got to perfectly keep up this time. There is no way out on this. I'm sorry, there's no way but to be the first on this.

Just look up the scores and goal scorers, and Update statuses like "Wow, what a goal (Fill here)", "Through to the next round (Fill here)" and sometimes even very statiscally brilliant ones like "What a terrifc match, it ended (Score here)".

Choose five friends whom your sure wouldn't have watched the match and forward messages like "Mate, did you see the match? What wing coverage and tactcial formation and inspired substitutions".

Now, go back to sleep.

5. Intelligent Humour

Very very important. I can't stress enough on this. To move to the Senior Pro level, you've got to do this.

Again, don't worry. I will handle this for you. Use this standard template.

Take your friends to some shabby restaurant for a meal. Wait fot them to say "Really, bad management". Immediately pounce on and say "I think David Moyes is the manager, here". Bask in the glory and applause for a while, but be very aware when the next one comes. "Mate, want a bite?".This time the reply should sound really cool. "I am not Saurez, man". Give a smirk, and immediately walk out for a smoke.

Your greatness will be discussed long into the night.

6. Post-Match Analysis

Now, that you've crossed 5 steps of greatness, you'll automatically notice ppl asking you for predictions and analysis. This is the part which will make you an expert, and you need to go really easy and careful on this.

Never give a score prediction. Never ever do that. This is not IPL, we do not know the results beforehand. So, this has to be your response.

Always. MEMORIZE IT.

"I think both the teams are evenly poised and we are in for a cracker of a contest. I expect the match to go right down to the wire. I get the feeling whoever plays well will surely win the match."

And, immediately after the match gets over, don't wait for others to ask you this time. Get up from your chair, raise a toast, and proudly say

"What we witnessed here was a fascinating contest, At the end of it, I can only say football is the winner"

Wipe off your tears.

Saturday, June 7, 2014

Only ENGINEERS can write books

I write this a largely satisfied man. Largely satisfied.

I had disastarous nightmares just before the release of my first book that none would pick it up, and I would receive death threats from those who mistakenly picked up. But Touchwood, the response has been terrific so far - been getting exciting feedback, shipments are going at a decent clip and so on..

But, not everything has been hunky dory, as I woke up this morning to see this email.

Dear Mani,

I just read your book. And must I say it was terrific.....*effusive praises hidden for the sake of humility*....Every single line of the book....*hidden praises*...I will propose your name for knighthood...*extremely adulatory text*....

And it went on for a few more lines, the contents of which I have consciously left out to be not typecasted as boastful. But, the mail ended with a line that made me seethe with anger and made my blood boil with rage.

"The only one thing I still can't come to terms with HOW ON EARTH CAN AN ENGINEER LIKE YOU WRITE BOOKS? ENGINEERS ARE ONE OF..."

I stopped reading after that. Had he been in front of me, I would have done exactly what Mourinho did when some reporter once congratulated Chelsea for playing good football. I would have ripped the last bits of the microprocessors of my laptop up his...

But, he was someone whom I have never seen or heard from before, hence I took a pacifist approach and calmly sent out my well-thought out reply.

Hello Sir,

Thanks for your mail..I will cut all crap and get straignt to the point. I want to give you three reasons why you were completely wrong about your conceptions about Engineers. I am sure you will agree at the end of it that if at all there was a clan that was born to write stories, it is us - THE ENGINEERS

1. Engineers have the greatest stories in mind

My engg college was in Chennai. Well, yes, technically, but that was if Chennai was next to Pondicherry. Because, my college was literally closer to Pondicherry than to Chennai. I travelled approx 50 kms up and down for college everyday. Now, don't be surprised when I say that I was the closest from a engg college to a city in all of my group of friends. One of my friends, Shalil Kumar Guha, studied in a college in Durgapur, for whom the closest known of civilization was Kolkata, a further 200 kms away. Another friend, Raj Dhoreliya, studied engineering from Jabalpur, where they still consider Harappa/Mohenjodaro as the most advanced cities of the world.

Now, imagine, the amount of travel and hardships each of us went through in our blessed engg buses to make it to those lectures. If only, all the engineers decided to write stories about all the dreams during those 4 yrs of sleep.

2. Engineers have mastered the art of imagination

For most of the guys like me when in school, joining engineering was about the most exciting thing life could ever give us. Of all the things that excited us about engineering - the foremost among them was the freedom from the Boys school regime. Finally, all those re-runs of Minnale/Saathiya we watched would have its day. Or so, we thought then.

But sir, you won't understand or believe the pain we experienced when we realized that our boys school was heaven. Never could you have seen million dreams shatter to pieces at the same time as when you notice guys on the first day of their engg college.

For the girls with whom the next four years HAD to be spent with - every single one of them looked like cousin sisters of a Kovai Sarala (Now, If you don't know who she is, google up for reference or visit any of your nearby engg college). And that too, with the boy-girl ratio in engg colleges at 1:100, meant that there were 100 guys sweating it out in the gym to take KOVAI SARALA out for a binge date with Dominos Pizza.

But, looking back at those four years, there couldn't have been a better teacher than Sarala to teach us those hardlearned lessons in creativity, magination, fantasy as we tried to desperately fit Sarala's figure into a romantic trigger our minds craved for.

3. Engineers have what it takes to "Wield the long handle to Good effect"

From Point 1 and Point 2, I am sure you're convinced that Engineers have the best imaginative stories. Ever. I can understand what's running through your mind now. Haa, flash of brilliance anyone can have. One can write a few short stories or a sonnet with that. How can they write big books about it, anyways? Right?

Well, I am sorry. You're not Right. Our competitive training and meticulous exams over four years have well prepared us for this final hurdle.

Here I propose a simple exercise for you. Goto the nearest library, and pick up a copy of an engg book and memorize the definition of a Diode. Don't worry, its just a two lined definition, not even 20 words. Memorised? All ready. Now, answer this question which is posed to every engineer before their graduation ceremony.

Explain Diodes in not less than 60,000 words. (16 marks)

I guess I have removed all cobwebs of your doubts with that single question. Not a single enigeer who has graduated has failed to get a 16 on 16 for that question. My friend Harendra Rathore still holds the Guiness record for writing 75,000 words for that question.

I hope its all clear to you and you agree with me that if at all there is a clan born to write stories - its the ENGINEERS

I have been very patient with my explanation here, in the hope that you'll avoid all reasons for me to file a defamation suit against you. Apologise profusely to all my engineering brethern or prepare a bail bond in advance.

Yours Lovingly,

AN ENGINEER